About this blog

My blog is not a typical recovery blog.  My blog is full of the problems that I struggled with that were the root cause of my eating disorder.  I did not have an eating disorder because I thought I was fat or liked/disliked food to much... even though I swore that was the only issue in my life if you asked me a year ago. It truly is much deeper.  I had a problem because of all the pressure I put on myself and let others put on me to be perfect.  This blog is my journey in recognizing those deep issues, uncovering them (SCARY!), and moving forward to fix my heart with the love of the Savior.  I have had a change of heart <3

*Behaviors/symptoms @ bottom of this page

I want to be honest and upfront with you.  These main points will tell you what you can expect NOT to find in my blog.  Please know that I know the idea of recovery might be ridiculous to you. I want you to know I do not want to take away your eating disorder, that's not my purpose or responsibility.  It is fine if you don't want to recover right now but please at least read this part so you will know someone understands how you are feeling, you are not alone.

#1 I will not tell you fat is not the problem

You will have to come to believe this yourself.  I know it doesn't matter how many times I tell you there must be other issues you will not accept it until you are ready.

When people told me similar things my thoughts were....

"People say there are underlying causes but the only reason I am not happy is because I am fat! I don't deserve to be happy when I am fat!  I don't want to be over any of this until I weigh ___lbs.  Then I will be happy.  No one can tell me I can recover from my problems because the problem is FAT!  Counselors tell me that is not the cause but it is, I am so FAT!  I have eating problems because I am so FAT! Why can't they get it?  I don't want to get ride of my work outs or eating habits because then I will get huge! and huger!  That is the only way I will ever be happy is to not be fat! That girl who overcame her issue doesn't understand me.  She says it was more than the fat.  But that is not true for me.  All my problems are fat!"

A person with an ED will not necessarily look up to a 'bigger' person who has recovered from an eating disorder (like me) or a happy person who is 'bigger' because in their mind it is disgusting and horrible to be fat.  Being happy while being fat would mean the fat won and they would be classified as lazy and worthless if they gave up the battle.  The excuse fat is all they have to hold on to.  That is their security blanket if they give that up they have nothing left.  It is there control and their reason for everything horrible in their life.  They would have to take responsibility for the bad in their life, including bad feelings, if fat was given up. This is very difficult if not impossible to see while struggling with an eating disorder.

#2 I will not tell you how beautiful or skinny you are

This only fuels the fire.  It proves your theory that outward appearance is .

"What are you going to get" your friends ask.  "Oh I'm fine. I just ate and I am really not hungry" you lie . Your friends say "Oh, but you are so not fat!  You can have one ice cream it wont hurt anything." Another friend says "Ya, you are so beautiful I don't even know why you worry about it so much". (if you have struggled with eating disorders you know there are millions of examples like these)

I know this is not validating or helpful.  The only thoughts that come are, " They are lying. I am fat.  I am ugly.  I don't deserve ice cream.  SEE people DO expect me to be beautiful and skinny. I have to work harder so I really am!"  Therefore, you will not ever hear it from me. I only want you to see the worth of your soul, learn that you are a child of God- then you will really shine, then you will be really beautiful!

#3 Sorry I am not going to give you a diet/exercise plan

I searched the web, read books, magazines, and always was talking about diet and exercise plans.  I literally loved the stuff.  When I looked for recovery blogs I was looking for one that would have a diet or some amazing exercise plan.  If I got to a blog that was trying to tell me I could recover without that and it was deeper than 'the fat' I immediately exited the site.  So if that is what you are looking for come back here when you are tired of all the discouragement and failure that comes with diets. Really save this one because you will eventually get tired of it.... I said I wouldn't because one of the diets was going to work but the problem was even when it did work I was still unhappy.

#4 SOME OF MY SYMPTOMS: (warning may be triggers)

My blog focuses on the solution and recovery more than the actual problem so this is the one of the only places on my blog you will get an idea of my behaviors.

Below were some of my  habits from age 8-21
EDNOS:

• Forbidden food lists
• Laxative pills
• Insomnia
• No eating anything for up to 10 days
• Under 500 calories a day
• Thinspiration videos
• Food consumed my thoughts, if I was eating or not
• OBSESSED with diets and workout plans
• Prove I was in control by cooking for others without even taking a taste
• Eating out of control, past the point of sick, throw up, eat more
• Lie to friends and family "I already ate"
• Fear before going to events where I knew food would be present
• Drinking ridiculous amounts of water
• Cut up roof of my mouth from eating so much at once
• In social situations only thinking about food(how to avoid it or get it)
• Compare myself to every girl I see, obsessively 
• Make a new diet/life style plan EVERY night
• Could not think about anything but weight, diet, exercise ALL day
• Could not eat one of anything
• Stole food from roommates, family members (don't worry if I stole your food I already talked to you about it)
• Overexercise
• Wrote in a hate journal
• Stayed up all night doing sit ups, stairs, and planning diets
• Messed up menstrual cycle
• Constantly searching for ways to get more food
• Chewing and spitting
• Cold showers
• Always felt my tummy to see how fat it was
• I wore baggy clothes to hide 
• Took food from a social gathering to chew and spit 
• Panicked about any event, voice recitals, family reunions, golf tournaments, meeting old friends, holidays, first day of school, and several more because I didn't want people to see me fat. 

And a million more

Diets:

• Atkins diet
• Paleo diet
• whole food
• Fruit and Veggie only
• Medi fast/Take shape for life
• Some natural thing from a chiropractor/Natural process
• Liquids only
• Protein shakes
• Cleanse diets
• Diet Soda and gum
• Popcorn diet
• Lettuce and mustard
• Sugar free whip cream diet

And these are not all, these are just the ones I could think of.