Living in Peace

With the new amazing videos that have come out about real people going through the Addiction Recovery Program (check it out here) I have been thinking about my own recovery through the program and how drastically life changing it was. What a beautiful experience my recovery has been. I would not trade my struggles for anything. I am now able to look at every new challenge I face with honesty, hope, and faith in Jesus Christ. I am genuinely excited about life and each day I get to work at becoming better through Him.

Reviewing some of my past posts, especially the tab with "my story" is humbling. It truly is incredible that I am a wife and mother of 2 that lives every day in peace... I sleep, instead of making diet plans and working out all night. I'm at my most healthy weight in 10 years and I actually eat real food (milk, cheese, bread, meat, etc.) and even ice cream every day!  I no longer twitch and fidget all the time. Eating a sandwich without a total meltdown happens everyday! I can leave the house without a jacket to hide myself and not even think twice about it! The last thing I think about before going to sleep each night and first thing I think about when I wake up every morning are my children, not how fat I am. I don't constantly review every tiny thing that is wrong with me. Most importantly I am at peace. I am happy.

While I have made HUGE steps to changing I still have things to do and learn. The 12 step process is incredible because it is something I will use my entire  life. I am using the principles in the program to become a better wife, mother, and disciple of Christ every day!

Let His Love Fill the Need

Matthew 11

 28 ¶^aCome unto me, all ye that ^blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you ^crest.

 29 Take my ^ayoke upon you, and ^blearn of me; for I am ^cmeek and^dlowly in ^eheart: and ye shall find ^frest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light.

I believe within each us there is a need.  A need that can be filled with different ideas, feelings, and thoughts.  The way we fill this need shows where we put our trust.  This is our motivation to change. This is how we work to meet our individual goals, whatever they may be.

For most of my life I know that I have used guilt, negative thoughts, shame, and constant remembrance of everything that is wrong with me to motivate me to change.  Has this worked?  Honestly, yes sometimes it has.  There have been times I have motivated myself to go without food or run faster by telling myself how fat I am.  There are times where I have been nicer to my brother by telling myself what a horrible sister I am and how I have ruined his life.  There are times where I have spent more time trying to be smarter by telling myself I was stupid and lazy.  But have these "motivating" thoughts made a lasting positive change in my behaviors?  NO!

So I have started thinking I should let go of all that crap.  Scary right?  What will be my motivation to become better if I'm not always telling myself how much I suck at life?  How will I ever lose weight if I don't remember how fat, ugly, lazy, pathetic, and worthless I am?  How will I become a better sister, daughter, and friend if I don't remember how prideful and selfish I am?  And if I did let go of these thoughts I might go wild!!!! Without telling myself these things I might eat every cake, cookie, ice cream treat in the valley! Oh the pounds!  I might yell and scream at every person in my family for the rest of my days! This is really scary for me and very hard to think of letting all those thoughts and feelings go. It is something I have held onto.  It has been my "hope" for change.  It is deep inside of me.  Pulling it out seems not only hard and scary but also seems like it could be a painful process.

I think this is where faith comes in.  I have to make that step into the dark.  I have to let go of all that crap trusting that the Savior's love and power will be enough to help me reach my goals and motivate me to change.  I have to trust that the difficulty in doing this and any pain will be for my good and provide me with an opportunity to grow.

When the spaces within us are filled with shame, self-hate, and guilt there is no room for our Savior's love or really any kind of love. We are rejecting one of the greatest gifts available to us because of the Atonement; and that is peace, joy, and hope.

I know that the Savior's love will fill the deepest voids within the human heart and soul.  All we must do is allow it.  Let the love in by letting go of the hate.

I have personal experience with this and it is a beautiful thing!  So light and free and happy.  I truly believe the number one motivator for change (righteous desire for change) is LOVE!  This is something that takes practice.  But every time I think "Look to Christ" and let go of the hate he truly does lift me up to more than I could ever be trying to change in my own way.  He knows best.  I love Him, I am coming to know Him. I am learning to define myself through Christ.  I am good and can do good because of Him.

And again I repeat the scripture-

Matthew 11

 28 ¶^aCome unto me, all ye that ^blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you ^crest.

 29 Take my ^ayoke upon you, and ^blearn of me; for I am ^cmeek and^dlowly in ^eheart: and ye shall find ^frest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light.

The Atonement Actualized

http://thefamily.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Jesus.jpg

In my past I have pondered on the following thoughts

How can I come closer to my Savior Jesus Christ.
How can I know him.
How can I understand how the atonement actually works in my life.

At times the more I studied the more complicated it seemed but as I have patiently continued to study, seek, and ask I have come to see how beautifully and simply the atonement works in our lives.  I do however realize that I have much more to learn, but I am grateful for the pieces I have been able to put together.  I am excited to implement this understanding more consistently into my daily thoughts, ideas, and actions. 

I have found that we come closer to Christ as we give service:

“He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.  If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be; if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.”

-John 12:25-26

This is an eternal principle.  I believe life in the kingdom of God will be one centered on service.  So if your not a big fan of service you better learn quick. That is why I believe we have been given the great blessing of learning to serve now, in mortality, its an opportunity to practice up for heaven :)    To be truly happy here on earth and in the eternities service must be a part of our lives… and not just any kind of service but charitable service.
 “the most important attribute of Heavenly Father and of His Beloved Son that we should desire and seek to possess within our lives is the gift of charity, “the pure love of Christ”.  From this gift springs our capacity to love and to serve others as the Savior did.”

Elder M. Russell Ballard said

How do we obtain this kind of service, charitable service? Well just as it is said in Mosiah 2:11 “Serve the Lord the God with all thy heart, might, mind, and strength.” We must start with our heart and fill it with charity!

 The greatest service we can do for another is to share and teach the love of Christ. The best way to teach a person this is to love them in the way the Savior loves.  To act as a disciple and be an example of Him to all.  As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ you represent Him.  You bear the name of Jesus Christ and all the responsibility that goes along with it.

So if we are to love as the Savior loves or serve as he serves,

How does He love?

FIRST:

The Savior understands that the greatest thing in the world is the human soul and that it is of infinite worth. He does not look upon us for who we were, what we are, but He does have eyes that see us for what we can become as sons and daughters of God.  He sees our divine worth and potential.

SECOND:

He understands each of perfectly.  He understands our feelings, our thoughts, our actions, or circumstances.  He knows, he understands, he affirms.  Therefore he can have true charity for us.  

THIRD:

He is humble in all of his intentions.  The Savior does not require acceptance or change from us, he loves us UNCONDITONALLY.  We do not have to accept  Him or His teachings to be loved by Him. 

He does not expect anything in return, no reward or recognition or glory.  Christ gives all glory to the Father.  He glorifies him in all He does.

ACTION:

To have a heart full of charity and to have the ability to love and serve as He does we must learn to be as He is.  We must recognize the essential worth, basic goodness, and god-like potential within every human soul. Charity is based on faith that people through Christ have innate potential for good, change, development, and growth. And then we must show it. We must not judge another until we have a complete understanding of that person.  Until you have really listened, really cared, have viewed it from their view and they agree you understand, you have no right to judge and therefore cannot make wise judgment. When there is quickness proclaiming another’s thoughts, opinion, or ideas as true or false, the worth of the other person is denied.

As Disciples of Christ it is important to listen and to care.  As we truly understand and listen to others they will feel loved, respected, they will feel important, valuable; they will be able to trust you, and the Lord. Listening and understanding is the quickest way to love a person by filling an important need within every human being.

As service is given it is important to remember that the Savior was full of humility and service is cannot be considered charitable without humility.  There cannot be any expectation as we love and serve those around us. Charitable service does not have any stipulations or requirements of the person that is being served. They whom we serve have their agency and we should not seek to take that from them.  All we can do is love them through understanding and charitable service.  It doesn't promise any reward or recognition to the one giving the service.  Humble charitable service is given freely because one understands the divinity of a person and loves God; it is the pure love of Christ. Service is done in God’s name and all glory is given to Him on high.

One of the greatest blessings of serving others in a way that requires us to see them the way Christ does and loving them in that way is that we will also come closer to the Savior. We will have a greater understanding of His love and compassion after we have practiced it ourselves.

We come closer to Christ as we practice and learn His love. We become more humble because we begin to see ourselves as Christ sees us.  We see the divine worth in not only those around us but within ourselves.  We begin to see the power of Christ's love working dialing in our lives because we have served others in this way.  The atonement then becomes more real.  We experience the great blessing of the Savior’s love, acceptance, and peace.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure”

Moroni 7:48

Let us Oft Speak Kind Words to Eachother

 31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

                                                                               -Mark 12:31

In our world there is much darkness.  There seems to be much cynicism, negativity, sarcasm, and harshness.  Our world is one of competition and comparison.  In our roles as husbands and wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, co-workers, and all others we have power through the speech we use to bring light, hope, joy, and peace to those we interact with especially as members of the church who have the gift of the Holy Ghost.  Most of us go through our day not thinking much on how we communicate with others, it seems simple, it is something that we have all learned since we were young.  I have been learning, especially in the last year the importance of my choice of words and the tone of voice I use as I speak with those around me.  I have just started to scratch the surface of understanding the powerful impact my words have on those around me and how others words have shaped who I am.  I have started to see how my words and how I say them can have a major weight on the way a person sees themselves and the world.  I recognize that I have the greatest influence within my family.  I can hurt and tear them down more than any other. At times I have caused much sorrow, hurt, and confusion and often without even recognizing it.  I have learned that some of things I have said to my family, good and bad have stuck with them and really had an effect on them.  I am grateful that I have started to see this and that through the atonement I can begin to change.

I would challenge you all to take a day and pay special attention to the way you speak to others. What words are you using?  What is your tone of voice?  How are they receiving the words you say?  Are your words full of faith, hope, and charity?

Because the way we communicate is so built into us from years and years of learning and practice it is not an easy thing to change.  I know every day I mess up in some way.  The way we put our words together and the tone of voice we use is such a delicate matter when we are aware and working to change it.  Much patience and prayer is required as we strive to become more like our Heavenly Father in this way. 

Today I would like to share with you a pattern of thought I have had to change in order to change the way I speak to others and to fill my words more consistently with charity and love.  I have learned that the way we speak to others is a very close reflection of the way we speak to ourselves. 

About a year ago I recognized the harsh way I spoke to myself.  I was so negative, sarcastic, unhopeful, and impatient.. I used these negative thoughts as my “motivation” to change.  At times it worked but it was a very temporary and fleeting change.  I decided I wanted to make more lasting and permanent change in my life.  I began seeking ways to do that.  Through the scriptures, prayer, and the spirit I have started to see the pride that came with my negative thinking patterns.  By thinking so poorly about myself I was denying the Savior’s atonement to work in my life.  I did not trust enough in his power to let go of my “motivating” negative thoughts.  I needed those thoughts!  Letting them go was a scary thought.  But as I did the savior’s love and forgiveness filled the spaces that had been occupied by my negative thoughts.  As I moved forward with this pattern of thought, thinking positively about the things I could do because of Jesus Christ my life began to change.  The way I view people changed.  The way I spoke of myself and others changed drastically. 

We must be humble and let go of our doubt, fears, and insecurities.  These thoughts will not motivate us for great lasting change.  These thoughts are those that Satan uses to bind us but with faith in Christ, not in ourselves, we can escape them. The saviors love will feel the deepest spaces within the human heart and soul if we empty them of negativity and allow his love, light, and hope fill those needs us. 

When we rely on our Savior in this way and we are filled with his light we are able to see others the way he sees us.  When we understand that the Savior looks upon us with love, hope, and great patience we realize this is how we should look at those around us. 

We must recognize that those around us are trying to.  They have their own struggles.  They have their own insecurities. When a person speaks to us in a mean way we can try to remember that the way a person speaks to us may very well be the way they speak to themselves.  They need our help.  We can love them the way the Savior loves by giving encouragement, hope, and love in our words. By our response to them we could change the whole conversation, we may even impact the way that person views themselves or the world.  We have the spirit.  We can bring hope and light to those around us.  I hope that we may be humble in accepting Christ in our lives that we may have a greater influence on those around us to look toward him as well.  As we speak with the spirit we speak the words of Christ. 

A Freeing Thought

I have learned an important lesson this past week thanks once again to the love of my life, Paul :)... He is pretty awesome! 

So I am a pleaser, as I think most of us are in someway.  Much of my self-esteem and self-worth throughout my life has come by knowing that my close family and friends, and Heavenly Father are pleased with my decisions.  Now because I am not perfect (and won't be anytime soon) at times this has really made life hard for me.  I have had to learn that this is not something I need to depend on.  I want to rely more on the hope found in the fact that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and in the Atonement of His son Jesus Christ. 

As we go through life we are labeled.  It is hard for people to change their beliefs/expectations of how we are or have been as we work to change and improve our weaknesses into strengths (Ether 12:27).  I have found this can be very discouraging.  This is where the atonement comes in :)!  Christ will help us to forgive those who poorly judge us or fail to recognize our efforts.  This was a difficult thing for me to accept... Forgiving someone for not being as accepting/loving/forgiving as I would hope they would be or as Christ might be.  I felt like this was my pride and my problem. To a degree it is but we also can't let harsh/unfair judgments of others affect us in a negative way.  In that way we need to forgive.

 We do not have to be discouraged because this will not help us change, this adds a HUGE weight that makes it hard to climb up our mountains.  The only one we need to count on for encouragement, support, and love in our efforts is Christ.  Yes, it is nice to have support and recognition from others for our efforts but it is not a reliable source!  For me, focusing on Christ and remembering that HE does see and recognizes my efforts to change/improve the moment I try or even think to try is so motivating and hopeful.  My friends/family will not see the change that quickly.  Also, no one knows my true intentions or the desires of my heart BUT Christ does!!!! How beautiful.  How freeing.  He will climb every step of our mountain with us, every slip, every fall, every leap, every inch he will encourage, support, and carry us!  Remember Heavenly Father loves us and blesses us for every small effort we make :) gosh I love this stuff!  It is so hopeful!  We must count on Christ and Heavenly Father not the world.... we will NEVER be enough for the world.  Unfortunately that often applies to those that are closest to us (I am grateful to be beginning to learn this lesson before I am a mother... I imagine this will be VERY applicable haha).

This brings me to my next point.  How are we doing in recognizing the small efforts of those around us?  Are we tearing people down for not improving as quickly as we believe they should be improving?  Or are we lifting, strengthening, and encouraging others the way the Savior does?  We are here to learn to be like Christ.  So should we not be trying our best to love and support those around us with the hope and kindness that Christ would?  I hope to pray for eyes to see the desires of those around me and to recognize the small efforts those around me are making.  In my experience people shut down with criticism and disappointment but when their efforts are appreciated and recognized and they are praised for the small successes in life it makes it that much more possible and desirable to continue to TRY!  The point is none of us are perfect and none of us are perfect in working to be perfect or improve.  Let us see the small efforts.  Let us lift.  Let us encourage.  Let us support.  Let us bring hope.  Let us point others to Christ.  Let us love. 

I have to add a quick note here.  My mother is a wonderful example of this.  She is so supportive.  Even when I mess up for the zillionth time, she is right there encouraging me.  She believes in me.  She supports me and most of all she loves me.  She sees my potential and lifts me.  Oh I love my mother.  There are not words to express how much her support and love have meant to me through the years, especially recently.  I am grateful for the important role she plays in our family.  She has provided us with hope and optimistic encouragement.  I am so grateful Heavenly Father has sent her to me.  and me to her.  There have been times where she has had our whole family on her back as we climb our mountain... she is strong, she is beautiful.  I love her!

I hope we will rely on the Savior and on our Heavenly Father for identity, support, love, and encouragement.   I hope we will help others feel important, supported, encouraged, loved.  I hope we will be optimistic!  When we have the gospel what is not to be optimistic about?! I love life.  I love people.  I love the opportunity we have to support and love one another as we all climb this mountain of life learning to be more like Christ.  :)

Can we ever do enough right?

This past week has been one full of blessings! Well every week is I believe its just this week I have chosen to see those blessings.

God really loves us. He loves us SO much.  :) I can feel it, I believe it, it is something I know. We keep acting in the smallest ways we can, our hope will be stronger and our faith will increase.  We will be incredibly happy and full of joy for it.  That is what our Heavenly Father desires for each of his children.  This is possible not because we are doing enough "right".  We can never do enough.  He just loves us and blesses us for trying. I believe this is a difficult truth to accept.  So often we do good things only to compare them to what we haven't done, should have done or still need to do.  Don't get me wrong, it is VERY important and a huge blessing to see our shortcomings, that way we know where to improve.  BUT where is our focus? and when we look at those shortcomings is it with a hope in Christ or with feelings of inadequacy and failure?

I have always believed that where your thoughts and attention are that is where you are going.  If we focus on the negative, what we have done wrong or haven't done right or even the part of something good we did that wasn't the best (well sure I read my scriptures but I didn't read enough).  If we always think this way where is the hope and where will the desire come to keep going and keep trying if we always somehow fail. It doesn't. Guess who's plan that is? Yep. Satan. A tricky little device of the adversary.  He finds great success in this sneaky little plan to get us caught in a cycle of doubt, fear, inadequacy, hopelessness even when we do try to do good.

Now this is where gratitude comes into play...

Where does everything good in life come from?

Heavenly Father through His son Jesus Christ

So- if we focus on the good in our life (yes, even our small teeeny tiny efforts) what are we focusing on?

CHRIST!

This is how we recognize God's hand in our life.  This is how we "live with gratitude ever in our hearts" (pres monson).  We are not grateful when we only see our shortcomings, we are prideful.  But when we focus on those small happy efforts and tiny triumphs in our lives that is where we find hope and the power and desire to continue doing happy little things.

But the only reason we can think in this way is because of what the Savior has done!  That is just it.  We are not required to do everything the BEST or perfectly right.  We only must try! Then we accept his love into our lives.  I do not believe my sin to be the heaviest thing on the Savior's heart.  I believe my unwillingness to have hope is very heavy on his heart, even a huge slap in the face to what he has done so I can have hope.

Well this was all scattered, hope it made a tiny bit of sense :)

Be kind to yourself and remember the Savior.  I promise as we see the good, God WILL maximize the outcome of our small efforts! We will be happy and will be well on our way to becoming more like Him.

Together we love. Together we walk. Together we glorify God.

So it has been a long long time since I wrote... almost a year. Sad! Not that anyone reads these but in the past it has really helped me.  Well I guess I should mention that I journal almost daily so I have not completely fallen off the wagon.  I think I should figure out how to make my blog cute with photos, videos, ect. but that's not my talent, probably never will be. Maybe I could hire someone... Chelsey? haha.

Okay so I guess I will slowly write about the things I have been learning the last 10 months

About a month ago I learned a very important lesson about the role of Jesus Christ in my life.  I was upset because of some choices of family and friends.  When I turned my thoughts toward my Father in heaven,  my heart was full!  I had never felt so loved or so peaceful in my life.  There is not a person on the planet who can love me in that way.  I was so grateful.  We can not count on our best friends, our family members or anyone to always be there for us and never hurt us.  We are all human.  We all make mistakes.  The Savior does not.  He is ALWAYS there for us.  To love us and comfort us.  He will never leave us.  Not for anything.  I could have felt upset at my friends and family many times but I do not need those feelings because they can be filled with the love of Christ.  and really that is all I need. I am grateful for the love of family and friends.  I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness.

Speaking of forgiveness.  I recently had a light bulb or what I like to call "no duh" moment.  I realized how beautiful the gift of forgiveness is.  This is a form of trusting in the Lord that helps us forgive and love those around us.  When we are upset at someone or unforgiving, really we hold malice towards the Savior.  The perfect sinless one.  The man who has suffered that we might live.  Because he has taken upon him the sins of every man he has taken upon him the suffering and punishment that come from those sins.  He takes the persecution, hurt feelings, and anger of those who will not forgive.  He knows and understands the sinner.  And because he does you and I do not have to.  All we have to do is love and trust in the role of Jesus Christ.  What a gift! What a blessing to have such a heavy burden lifted if we choose.  I do not think I am able to express how I feel or the things I was blessed to understand.  It is difficult to put in words.   I guess I will share a personal example.

Paul (my husband) will be the example because he is awesome :).  He loves me and forgives me almost automatically.  He understands the role of the Savior and trusts in him.  Paul does not feel the need to reprimand me or be upset with me when I do dumb things(break his laptop, lose his things, be impatient, bossy, prideful and the list could go on and on) . This I believe is because he trusts that the Savior is teaching me what I need to know at the times I most need to learn them.  He is humble and patient as he waits for me to learn and grow.  He knows that his struggles are hard for him and imagines that mine are as hard on me as his are for himself and he has no desire to make my struggles more difficult.  He trusts the Savior understands and that is enough for him to be patient, kind and loving.  He seeks and recognizes the good.  I am so grateful for Paul and all that he teaches me, mostly through his unconditional love and example.  He gives me the love, support and encouragement I need to be the best possible me.  His love is giving me the confidence to move forward each day in faith, improving, and moving closer and closer to my Heavenly Father.  Just the way he lives helps me recognize where I need to improve and desire to do it and his unconditional love provides me with the hope I need to act. Thank you Paul Richard Garn!

This leads me to something else important I have realized about Paul.  As I look back on where I was a year ago just before we began dating to where I am now I see the role Paul has played in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  Paul has loved me in a way I never thought possible.  Selflessly.  As I have realized this I have learned about the way the Savior loves me.  Paul I feel has been a stepping stone for me(and probably many others) to the Savior.  And now the Savior is acting as my stepping stone to Heavenly Father.  By the way he loves I am beginning to grasp a smalllllll particle of how much love God has for me.  AH! there is just so much love going on around here.  It's really crazy.  But what I have learned from all this is what I want to be.  What role I want to play.  I want to be a part of all this love.  I want to love everyone in a way that points them to Jesus Christ and then from there he will point them to Heavenly Father.  This is how I can serve Him who loves and blesses me so much.  I want everyone to feel what I have been blessed to feel and I want to glorify my Father in Heaven. I got a lot of work to do and I am grateful for it. And for all the Lord is teaching me. :)

I love the picture in my mind of all of us walking towards Heavenly Father together.  We need each other.  We can not do this alone.  Lets LOVE and get on home! :)

S.T.O.P.!.

Okay I made this post quite a while ago... like last summer but I never posted it, not sure why but here it is.

Well been a while since I last posted.... Lots of great things have happened in my life the last two months. I am so blessed and my heart is full of gratitude.

I have a little acronym that I have wanted to post. I'm grateful Heavenly Father blessed me with these thoughts. The acronym is S.T.O.P.!

S ervice
T ime
O ptimism
P rayer
! ntegrity

This is something to remember anytime there is temptation, negative thoughts or feelings, sin or just a check to be sure I'm moving forward and keeping my will in line with my Father in Heaven's will.

Service:

If you are serving others your focus turns outward. Sin is inward and selfish. When we serve our fellow brothers and sisters we serve God. When we serve God he will give us the strength we need to bear our trials and burdens.

Time:

The times is NOW! Focus on the present. What are you doing right this moment that is bringing you closer to your Heavenly Father? Satan often gets our thoughts lost in the past- the bad memories and the good memories. He can also distract us with the future. Either by encouraging us to fear the future or getting caught up in making goals and plans. Yes, goals and plans are important, reflecting and learning from our past is vital to our progression.... but if we aren't careful we can allow these thoughts to keep us from action. and action is now, in the present. The present is the only thing we can control. Do not let Satan distract you from progression. Learn from the past. Be excited and make your goals for the future. But LIVE in the present and ACT!

Optimism:

hope and faith in the Atonement. Believe through Christ sins can become strengths. This does not mean the trial or temptation will be taken, only the power to act the way Christ would in the situation is increased. It increases as faith is practiced and hope through Christ is cultured in the heart. How EXCITING the opportunity is to face hard things... this is an opportunity to work with Jesus Christ and come closer to Him.
I am grateful that God allows me to recognize where repentance is needed in my life and the opportunity to access the atonement.

Prayer:

Gratitude. Gratitude toward God. If we are being truly grateful we cannot hold within our hearts the desire to sin. Being able to express gratitude to the Lord, especially during times of temptation takes much humility and faith. Pray for gratitude. Pray in thanks. Pray to recognize blessings in life. Pray to recognize God's hand working in our lives and in the lives of those around us each day.

!ntegrity:

So I know the upside down exclamation point is a stretch but it was an afterthought... a very important after thought.  Integrity is everything.  It is who and what we are, do and say when no one is around, or so we think, Santa Clause... okay I mean Heavenly Father is always watching :).  If we can remember that we want to be honest people full of integrity then this thought can help us in times of temptation.

I am not sure if this will mean anything to anyone else but it was a pretty neat learning thing for me :) 

When you are struggling or being tempted just S.T.O.P.!. 

Knowledge vs. Faith & Hope

As I study and ponder I have what is referred to as "ah-ha moments"- I like to think of these as "no-duh moments". With effort gospel principles make so much sense and the things I learn seem so simple, true and as if they should be quite obvious, but we are here to gain experience and exercise faith. When we learn truth it will be simple and clear. The spirit testifies of truth and brings clarity and greater understanding to the mind. I love how much sense the gospel can make as we put forth the effort to understand truth. I hope to have many more of these "no-duh moments" in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about the manner in which we bear testimony, teach and learn. In bearing testimony and teaching I feel more clarity, humility, and plainness of speech would be more effective. I believe being more in tune with the spirit and by studying the Savior's example would increase our effectiveness in both teaching and bearing testimony.

I am coming to believe that in able to more clearly communicate it is important to understanding the difference between knowing something to be true and having faith and hope that something is true. I have considered how it would feel to be an investigator in the church and hearing members express all the many things they know. I would probably be thinking something like "Well how? How do they know?!" I would also think it quite a daunting task or even impossible to ever reach such a level of understanding or knowledge even if it what they were professing was true. How much more attainable finding such a testimony would seem if the person had more a feeling of invitation to join the testimony bearer in faith and hope that the things they believed were true?

Really I do not know. I realize my past posts probably contradict this idea (so great we are all here learning and growing :] ) but knowing is something that has already happened. For example, I know I brushed my teeth this morning. However, I do not know that I will brush my teeth tonight. I have hope and faith in myself that I will brush my teeth but I can't have actual knowledge until I have done it.

One day I hope to be blessed by God to know the many things I have strong faith and hope in to be true but until that day I need to adjust the way I think and speak. I will focus more on faith, hope, gratitude and belief to express my thoughts and feelings. I believe if I have this attitude I will be more humble and willing to work harder to increase my hope and faith making more possible for God to bless me with actual knowledge.

 Another thing to think about and study is the relation between testimony and knowledge. What does it mean to testify? Well that is for another night... it is late and I already feel I have been a little confusing and scattered in recording my thoughts.

I believe becoming more humble and realizing how much I don't know will make it possible for my faith and hope to grow, allowing more room for the atonement to work in my life. I can cast out the pride in my heart and as I do my heart can become as clay in the Lord's hands.

Choose to perceive the light

Well it has been quite a while... I have a hard time writing when I am not stable. My emotions have been so crazy the last month. It is sort of annoying actually. Oh well life is changing so much right now so I guess my crazy girl emotions will do the same.

"Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy [and] perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs."

-Elder Bednar

It may be difficult to recognize answers to our prayers or blessings in our life. The adversary will use all means to distract us during the times of God's greatest work in our lives. We will be bombarded with trials, temptations and anything else Satan can use to draw our attention away from God's mercy and kindness into sadness and despair. I have even seen how Satan can disguise blessings and answers with pessimism and negativeness. Examples of this can be found in several scripture stories and church history. I must remember during difficult times to search for the blessings and answers God is granting me. They are surely there and will be during the seemingly most trying times of life.

Pray. Ponder. Study. Serve.

Recognize your success & Follow it up with a great shot!

ohhh boyyy. It sure has been a long time since I have posted. The last week or so has been interesting to say the least. I got in a little bit of a slump. But I refused to stay in it. I popped in and out of it quite a bit, on a daily basis, actually, more like an hour to hour basis. Satan really tried super hard to knock me down. But I have not allowed him to win and will not. My hope was never lost- my strength just seemed to leave a little. My mind felt tired. But the Savior has made up where I could not keep going. I will slowly but surely work my way up to a spiritual point I have never reached before. This is how all my hard times go. A great experience almost always follows.

My plan of attack for the next little while is to recognize what I am doing that is good in my life verses recognizing and focusing on all the things that I'm not doing exactly right. I have learned this concept in many different experiences. For example, in a round of golf there is no possible way you are going to hit every single shot perfectly. You are sure to have several that don't go exactly as you would like and even a few that are absolutely horrible. Hitting each shot perfectly does not make a great golfer- it is the kind of shot(s) that come after a bad one that make a good golfer or bad golfer. If you focus on your horrible shot and beat yourself up about your mistake you are bound to hit several more that are similar. If you can be positive, recognize your abilities to continue in success you will more than likely be able to follow up your mishit with a great shot. This gives confidence which will result in your best possible performance. As goes for life. There is no way possible we can go through this life without making a mistake or feeling down about something. Heavenly Father knows that. If we can follow up a poor choice with a great one or a negative feeling with a positive one we will be able to continue our life in confidence. Confidence in ourselves, Jesus Christ's atonement, God and even those around us.

I feel this is a lesson I have been learning for quite some time and will continue to learn. I desire to get it on the scale of moments. If I have a negative feeling or poor decision I hope one day I will be able to improve the following moment with a positive feeling or decision.

Life is beautiful and wonderful. The plan of salvation brings great hope for the future. Faith in the atonement makes this hope possible. I am so grateful. I am grateful to learn. I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for my AMAZING, supportive, loving, UNDERSTANDING family. They truly are absolutely wonderful. I am so grateful for them. Oh I just love them so much I wish there were more appropriate words to explain the way I feel about them.

Choose This Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Cw8I8eukaI

If I choose to serve Him this day, things WILL be better the next. This is so true. If you serve God you feel His love for you. This gives you identity as a His child which gives the strength and desire to move forward in righteousness.

Last week was a struggle. Saturday night I had a long conversation with my friend Paul. I don't know if it was anything he said or what but I felt SO much better after talking to him. I felt sort of selfish because we talked about me so much and my issues but I need to be humble and accept the help the Lord sends me. He works through my fellow brothers and sisters here on Earth. I have a strong testimony of this and I am so grateful for Paul's help.

I found myself in a negative cycle last week involving a loss of hope for those that I care about around me, negative thoughts about myself and some of my ED. It was started on Tuesday and got pretty bad on Thursday to horrible on Saturday. But it stopped there. Sunday was WAY better. Monday was amazing. And today, Tuesday was great. I love the gospel. I love how much I learn because I have the guidance of the Spirit. I have the word of God. I am able to speak with God. I have great friends and family. Life is truly wonderful!

I am proud of myself for not staying in my little rut for very long. The week before had been AMAZING. One  of the best weeks mentally that I have ever had since I was a child. So Satan was probably not happy with that. That is okay though. I probably needed some humbling from God anyway. I know it has made me stronger. I must pray in Thanks for the trial and to more fully understand its importance in my spiritual growth and how to apply what I learned from it into my life.

Something I am grateful for- the gift of compassion. It is one that God has blessed me with and helped me develop. I have definitely not always been one to love everyone. I feel compassion and love for people that have recently become a part of my daily life that before I would have most likely despised. God has blessed me with the ability to see them as His children, my fellow brother and sister. I only desire happiness for them. I feel sorry for them- the way they value family and treat their children.  I feel sorry that the gospel is not a part of their life. It is not possible for me to share the gift of the gospel with them because of work regulations but they know I am LDS so I will do my best to share it with them through my actions. I can also share my testimony through my thoughts. I should work on this more. I honestly look at these people with an aching love in my heart, that is the only way I know how to describe it. They just don't know. But I am grateful for this gift of compassion and love I have obtained from the God through the direction of the Holy Ghost.

Everyone must know!

My heart is literally aching right now for those that do not know what I know. Those who do not have faith that families can be together forever. Those who don't know the peace and hope that can come from the Book of Mormon. Those who do not have the gift of the Holy Ghost with them each day. Those who do not know the redeeming, strengthening, hopeful power Jesus Christ's atonement contains! I'm not sure I have ever felt so desperate to share this with everyone! Everyone needs to know! Knowledge of the plan of salvation is essential for return to God.... I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to obtain celestial life. I don't want any of my brother's and sisters to be left behind! They must know!

I want to shout the truths of the gospel to everyone! Everyone needs to know! I feel no anger, hate or malice toward one soul. Not murders, not those who have done my family or friends wrong- I only feel pain and sorrow because they do not have the truth and happiness the gospel contains.

I must be humble and patient. I must listen to the spirit and share the truths I know on the Lord's time in His way. I will pray every day for guidance to teach and spread these precious truths. I believe in heaven I must have promised my fellow brothers and sisters that I would come find them and help them come to the truth. I must pray to be inspired to know when and how to share with my friends, family and acquaintances.

Weakness to Strength

I am so grateful for the guidance of the Holy Ghost. Today was a great day. I will probably have a few more of these kinds of days and than Satan will surely hit hard as he always seems too when I find myself making steps closer to God.

Some decisions I must make to align my will more with God's do not necessarily make sense at the time. I may not see how it will work or what blessings will come but for the most part I will do it with only the knowledge that Heavenly Father asked me too.

But then there is the main issue in my life- I have dealt with on a daily basis for years. And God has made very clear to me several  of the blessings I will receive if I choose to resist the temptations. The blessings will be endless and wonderful! Satan's influence in my life has been able replace those thoughts of glorifying God and the blessings I could receive by resisting temptation with thoughts of justification. It is so frustrating.

 I must say I have made GREAT progress in this area that I have struggled with since I was no older than the age of 8. Okay....... so I have struggled with eating disorders. I will not go into all the details about all the different stages and degrees of it, it has had its super ugly moments though. BUT, that is okay because I am in the best place I have ever been and I continue to make huge strides on a weekly and could probably even say daily basis. I have actually not been in a super bad place with this stuff almost a year, I am truly making progress. It is wonderful! Christ's atonement truly does work miracles in our lives, not overnight but with our patience and time it can heal us.

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do, not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased."
                                       -Heber S. Grant

 I am so grateful for this trial. I know it has brought several blessings to my life, many I don't even recognize yet. I am closer to Heavenly Father. I have come to understand His unconditional love for me. This has in turn helped with my confidence. I have grown to understand the atonement and continue each day to feel the great power its influence offers. I have developed patience, with myself, others and with the Lord's timing. Also, I now have experience with something that many people struggle with. I can have empathy. I know how I will help my daughters and young women I will have influence over, to avoid the horrible feelings and ideals that I have learned to change within myself. This truly has been such a blessing! I feel like each day I am getting better and better. I believe if I can recognize and remember more often that this has and is a blessing to my life that I can more successfully turn this weakness into a strength.....

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men who humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I will make weak things become strong unto them."
                  -Ether 12:27

Oh how I love the simple but powerful truths of the gospel!

A thought I had last night that was quite motivating. I am not perfect by any means but I really really try to do my best and to live in a way that is pleasing to my Heavenly Father. I feel I would give up anything in my life if it were to put my life more in line with His will. For some reason my eating disorders have not been that simple but last night I thought... "right now with your understanding, the maind thing in your life that is not in line with God's will is the last bit of mental/physical eating disorder stuff you deal with. This is the main block keeping you from having the opportunity to live with Heavenly Father again. Why would you ever let something so dumb keep you from the thing you desire most!? You can not even receive much more knowledge about where and how to align your will more fully with God's until you have done what He has already asked. You are almost there though- Satan is just putting in his last greatest effort, hoping to pull you all the way back down. Do not even give him a chance! You are the one with the body, meaning you have power over him. As it states in your blessing 'He [Satan] is not given the power to enter your life except through invitation.' Do not invite him in. 'Let virtue garnish thy thoughts... unceasingly.' D&C 121:45 " So this helped a lot today. I will not let this one stupid issue keep me from standing clean before Jesus Christ and God.

My eating disorder crap may seem more complicated at times than I have made it sound here.... but it really is not that complicated. Satan complicates the issue and mixes in feelings and the long history I have with this disorder to make me feel incapable of ever beating it. But it really is not that complicated. I must keep it simple and not let this dumb dumb dumb disorder keep me from moving forward and progressing towards eternal life. This is why I have felt so strongly that I should be striving to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost at all times because it simplifies things. The Holy Ghost will not confuse me but will bring clarity and reveal simple instruction and truth to my mind. This will erase Satan's ability to complicate and overcrowd my mind with unnecessary worries, concerns and thoughts.

I am so grateful for the gospel. I am grateful for trials. I am grateful for strength that comes from the atonement. I am grateful for the direction that comes from the Spirit. And I am grateful for God's unconditional, never ending love for me.

Remember: & yearn to return

A strong, great relationship between me and my Heavenly Father I believe already exists. The veil has made this relationship not as material in my mind. I do believe however it is not something I necessarily need to make stronger or develop but something I need to remember. I have derived this idea from my own thoughts and ideas so it may not be completely "correct". 

I know God loves me. I know before I came to Earth I loved Him dearly. I know I wanted to do everything in my power to glorify Him and make Him proud. I am almost certain I had a wonderful special relationship with my Father. He sees me as His daughter with divine potential. 

I must seek Him out. He must be waiting for me and knowing I will come to Him. I want to remember the relationship I have with Him. I want to miss Him greatly. I want to remember enough that I will be able to feel that strong desire to be with Him again (just as I miss family and friends here on earth when we are away from each other- or even stronger). If that desire can burn within my heart making daily choices will be simple. I would always act in a way that would bring me back to the Father I missed so greatly. 

I hope to feel that longing to be with Him as I pray to have a greater remembrance of our relationship. More prayer, service and listening to the Holy Ghost. :)

Never ending love

I feel my intentions in life are good. I desire to be living in a way that is pleasing to Heavenly Father. I have recognized through my study this morning that my thought process on how to improve is not quite right. It goes along a little with my post from yesterday. I studied the chapter in Preach my Gospel about charity and love.

"And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins."
                                                                           (footnote- ... for charity preventeth a multitude of sins.)
                        -1 Peter 4:8

I need to develop this pure love of Christ. This will take much dedicated thought and of course special attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Charity envieth not. This is one major area of charity in which I struggle. I used to DWELL on others talents and beauty and be super jealous. I have been working on this flaw having some improvement. I do not so much dwell anymore and am able to overcome the thoughts faster but I think I know how I am going to ride myself of any type of jealous thought. I am going to fill myself with love for everyone that I am joyous instead of jealous of their beauties, talents and strengths. I used to try and overcome this flaw by trying to recognize all the good within myself thinking "Yes they might be this way or that way but I have this or that going for me". Not the best way to go about it. Now that have actually written this out I realize how horrible of a thought process it is and I am ashamed I have thought this way. But that is the glorious part of the gospel because God loves us we are able to recognize our weaknesses and make them into strengths through the atonement. So I will turn this weakness to a strength. I will celebrate everyone's strengths and wish the best for everyone. This does not mean I cannot desire the to obtain the strengths and attributes of others because I strongly believe we can learn so much from others. We develop by noticing others strengths and how to build them in our own lives but it must be done in a righteous way.

This post is kind of scattered. Honestly all this is quite scattered in my brain. Thoughts that I will continue to nourish that these truths I have learned through the Holy Ghost this morning  may enter into my heart and mind creating an honest change in my character.

He that shall lose his life shall find it

I have a great desire to obtain knowledge. Spiritual knowledge. There is not enough time in the day for me to study from the standard works, prophets council, church manuals and books. I literally hunger to learn and learn. What a blessing to have so much instruction... again with these many blessings come much responsibility. What great responsibility it is.

In order to grow and master my natural man I need to be more focused on others. "I" should not be the prominent pronoun in my thoughts or actions. Think of Christ's life. I imagine all of His thought's and action's were for the benefit of someone besides himself. His purpose was to lift others. I desire to obtain this purpose in all I do. In every action, how am I helping others? The Holy Ghost will be the mechanism I use to live in this way.

I will learn to be a better teacher. I just started reading today "Teach Ye Diligently" by Boyd K. Packer. I did not want to pick this book out of my small library though I believe I was compelled by the spirit to choose it. As I started to read the first two chapters I kept thinking "ah, I just want to put this book down. I want to read something like Miracle of Forgiveness so I can focus on my own problems and spirituality and where I can improve in my own life. I need to be better in so many areas before I can teach others. Plus, I am not even a parent yet." I almost switched to a different book a few times as these types of thoughts circled through my brain. Then about half way into the 2nd chapter as I was about to close the book and grab a different one, it hit me. This is what I NEED to focus on! If I can turn my thoughts to helping others learn how to live righteously and be truly happy I will learn for myself much faster and deeper the things I desire to learn myself. I will become a better person by taking the focus off myself and my problems and turning it towards others.
     
 He that shall lose his life shall find it. 


Christ was a teacher. More than just a teacher. He was THE teacher. The perfect teacher. I am trying to be like Him. So I must strive to be a teacher as well. I must pray more, study more and ponder more about being an effective teacher, led by the spirit.

This is an area where I lack greatly. I am in need of much training. I have never really thought about my need to grow as a teacher. It is amazing the amount of improvement necessary in so many areas of my life, areas of my life that I am not even aware of, that hardly even exist at this point, such as being a teacher. It is so wonderful that as I am seeking, the Lord is blessing me with knowledge of where to work and pray for improvement!

And at different times in my life I would have been way overwhelmed to recognize all these flaws and weaknesses but because I am seeking them out with the Spirit I feel more peaceful and joyful than ever. I feel hopeful that I will be able to improve where the Lord sees necessary. This is because I have faith in Heavenly Father's perfect plan. I have the hope that I can be purified even as Christ is pure (Moroni 7:48). Even with the many flaws I do posses. Through Christ's atonement and my best efforts- anything is possible!

Living by your personal knowledge and understanding

"That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thansgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you."
                                       -Alma 34:38

I have been more receptive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Still by no means perfect but I am improving. It is a wonderful feeling. I am filled with much more peace, hope and joy. I have more love and understanding in my heart. I am able to recognize prideful thoughts and then pray for humility.

Integrity: how a person acts in accordance to their knowledge and understanding of right and wrong. Am I a person of integrity? I feel I try but I could do much better. It is becoming easier to do as I am more sensitive to promptings. I am also gaining more knowledge of where there is needed improvement in several areas of my life. So exciting!

I am so grateful I am able to recognize my shortcomings, pray for humility and then with my efforts and Christ's atonement come closer to God by aligning my will with His. Where there are great blessings such as these there comes great responsibility! I must be more honest with myself and not allow Satan's justifications to enter my mind. As a person of integrity I need to be honest with myself in how I am really doing- and not by the world's standards or really anyone's standards except for the ones that God and I have set up together. I know as I strive to do this God will bless me with more direction for improvement in all areas of my life.

The scripture I wrote above is one that encompasses integrity. I greatly desire to acquire this attribute by being a person of integrity in relation to God, my fellow man and to myself.